i had so many good days this week you guys. i've started a new project with some friends, i did fun things with bea, i had some time to myself, i had some alone time with each of my kids, i've felt happy for a bit. i met with a new doctor yesterday to replace the first psych i saw here who i really didn't care for and this one seems like the real deal and that he wants to get to the bottom of what's wrong. he seems concerned that i've been on a certain dose of something for so long and haven't seen any changes and have had so many unpleasant side effects so he switched my prescription. i don't know if that's relevant but today was awful. small triggers that normally would have just been annoying (i.e bea having an accident, ollie throwing up more than usual, etc) sent me over the edge either into a rage or a suicidal depression. i felt like dying after getting mad at bea for having an accident. i literally wished i was dead.
that's not normal
or healthy.
it's dangerous.
i want so badly to stop feeling this way. these small things that are all a part of motherhood really shouldn't bother me much at all. they should be annoying, not earth shattering. i'm exhausted. i'm tired. i just want to be normally keeled. it's been a long 3 months and i'm just so done. i'm hoping it's just the jolt of a new prescription and that i will feel better tomorrow.
the nice thing about bipolar rapid cycling is that i can wake up tomorrow and feel 100% different than the day before. so even though i spent most of today crying, i could wake up tomorrow with a wide, albeit puffy-eyed, smile. i'm hoping for that. i really don't want another day like today.
No comments:
Post a Comment