where it began

i was diagnosed with bipolar when i was 19 years old, shortly after i got engaged. truth be told though, i had been manifesting symptoms for years before that. my junior and senior year of high school i was on a manic spree in which i took several standardized tests, homeschooled half my senior year, applied to college early, and left halfway through my senior year. my moods fluctuated rapidly my freshman year of college from depressed to manic, sometimes sleeping so much i skipped class and other times going days and days with little to no sleep. i spent a lot of my sophomore year depressed and came home for the spring and summer because of it. i got right back on a manic swing the fall of my junior year, was incredibly creative, hardly slept, over-scheduled my classes, got straight As, worked 2 jobs, couldn't hold still, was dangerously outgoing, dated a TON, and ultimately found an eternal companion in my best friend bradley. we got engaged in january and that's kind of when the shiz hit the fan. the wedding planning started and my behavior got very strange. i wasn't acting like myself, i was extremely irritable and belligerent, starting fights with almost anyone who would talk to me, i would break down in tears at the drop of a hat, i started having delusions and auditory hallucinations that my bridesmaids were all talking about me behind my back, didn't want me to get married, and secretly hated me. i wasn't sleeping, i fought with bradley and my mom constantly, and continuously doubted my decision to get married when it had previously been made abundantly clear that it was the right decision. we decided that i needed to get help. something was very wrong and we couldn't right it on our own. we met with a therapist who referred me to the most amazing psychiatrist on the planet and we got me started on what would be a long, hard, painful journey in becoming myself again with the help of medication and therapy. i finally "came to" i guess you could say, maybe a year/year and a half later. and then after that we decided to turn it all upside down again to have our first child. i cycled twice after she was born, and was finally better by the time she turned one, and then a few months later it was time to shake things up again with our second (and last) child. we are donezo with the kiddos now and i am still working to piece together the person i was before. i guess we'll see when it happens. hopefully it does.