is there no other way

today was an emotional day. i am emotionally worn down. dealing with bea's inconsolable temper tantrum behavior on the one hand, and oliver's cognitive communication delays on the other, i was stretched thin and exhausted.
i had a friend over today. we are very close, and she has twin girls bea's age. she just had a baby girl last month and they are enjoying her so much. she deserves it; her PPD after her twins, and her twins difficult newborn personalities and sleep schedule were incredibly difficult, and it makes me so happy that she is having such a wonderful experience with her second birth and third baby. they've bonded very quickly and she has a very calming presence as a baby.
we talked about how bonding with each baby is different, and how.
i've noticed a theme with a lot of my friends, and just a lot of moms in general, that their second baby is easier than their first. that subsequent children are a peaceful addition to their families. that it's easier for them the second time around.
i'm so happy for those people and glad their experiences have been so positive.
but it leaves me feeling very sad on the inside. my relationship with oliver after his birth was strained.
he was a much harder baby than my first. he was always angry and he cried a lot. he didn't snuggle or hold still. his cry was screechy and angry sounding. the guilt i felt at not instantly loving him and even kind of resenting him ate away at me and grew inside me like a cancer. emotionally, i was a wreck, with extreme depression that nagged at me constantly to end my life. it was hell. i went through hell.
the dip in my emotions today wasn't just fatigue from my crazy day of kid issues and tantrums.
it was grief. i often feel it when i reflect on the months immediately following oliver's birth, and i am reminded of it whenever i see friends with new babies.
it took a very long time to get better after he was born. and eventually i fell in love with him (and how could i not? he is wonderful) but i thought to myself, would i do that again?
i've asked myself this before and each time, immediately, i shout in my mind "NO." and i mean it. i would never. do that again. i will never do that again.
and then i thought about it some more. i thought to myself, am i the only avenue by which oliver could come into the world? was there any other way?
i let that sink in.
i wondered, theoretically, would i ever have oliver over again, if i had the choice? i blinked away tears, remembering so vividly the hell i lived through, and then my mind went to eve, in the garden. she was thoughtful too. she came to the realization that she was the only avenue by which the children of god would make it here, just like i was the only way for oliver. she knew, she knew it would be just as awful and hard and dark as it would be joyful if she made that choice. she asked herself, in tears, like me, bracing herself: "is there no other way?"
there wasn't. she knew there wasn't. so she made a choice. an unselfish choice, that paved the path for salvation for all of us.
it is such a huge responsibility we carry as women to bring our people here. it's hard. and if there was another way for my people to get here, i would choose it. the mental and emotional pain i suffer after my births is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. but today, i asked myself, "is there no other way?" would oliver be here if i didn't make that choice? the answer is no. there is no other way. so would i do it again, if it meant oliver would get here? yes. yes i would. i've been blessed with the knowledge that my work in that sphere is done for the time being, so i don't have to do it again and i am so grateful for the rest and the peace it brings me. but knowing that i made the right choice, i brought them here, because there was no other way, fills me with power and resolve. if making it through hell and back was worth bringing my people here, then being with them and growing with them must be pretty important.
after i sorted through my feelings, and realized that my emotional exhaustion wasn't just from wiping noses and time outs and temper tantrums, i let the grief sink in, and then wash away. that part is over. i don't have to do it again. i need to let it go. i need to bundle up the energy that was spent on mourning my first few months as a mother of 2, and the grief and guilt surrounding oliver's birth, and use it on building my children up and showing them how much i love them.
and putting a lock on bea's door so i can ignore her temper tantrums ;)