mom

my mom is the best mom. she cooks better than anyone else, she can do a million things at once, her house is always clean (maybe not always tidy, but ALWAYS clean), she's funny, she's compassionate, everyone wants to be around her, she never judges her children, and she doesn't pick favorites. she's always busy doing something for someone else. i don't think i've ever seen her take a full day for herself in all the time i've know her. she gets stressed but you'd never know it, she just pushes through any trials that come her way. she is fiercely independent. i always wanted to be just like her when i became a mom. it was a lot to live up to and i was scared i would never be able to be as good as her. i was always a tiny bit scared to have kids because i knew i would never be as good of a mom to them as she is to me.
i got sick right before i got married. the fiery energy that propelled me through life was suddenly gone and i'd almost completely forgotten who i was. it took years of therapy and different cocktails of medicines to bring it back out. and right as i was coming back to consciousness, i knew it was time for bradley and i to finally start a family. that fear i'd always had that i wouldn't be as good as my mom came back tenfold. not only was i going to be not as good as she was, but i'd be sick. i'm a sick mom. and that sickness is never going to go away. i'm never going to be like my mom. but the deeper i get into motherhood, and the more time i spend with my little one, i realize that i don't have to be exactly like my mom to be a good mom. i don't have to be 100% well to be a good mom. i just have to do my best. and some days, my best is just holding my baby girl close while i cry. some days my best is snuggling up with her on the couch for hours at a time while i mentally prepare myself to stand up, because sometimes, that's all i can do for the day.
i think all it takes to be a good mom is loving your children the best you can. i may not have a perfectly clean house, i may not be able to go weeks at a time without calling my mom for advice, i may not be able to cook a five star meal every night, i may not even be able to get off the couch for days except for to change a diaper and feed my baby, but she knows i love her. i can tell. and if that's all i can give her, i think somehow that will be enough.