so you guys. here's the thing.
if you stalk me on facebook or are my friend or read my blog (all 4 of you), you may or may not have read my big reveal about how i've been struggling with ppd (which, by the way, WHY do we NEED to have big reveals for that?! why do we all feel we have to hide it? why!?)
i received so many kind and positive comments that it gave me the courage (almost, who knows how long this will sit around before i actually post this) to spill my guts.
so, a few of you probably have thought "wow she doesn't seem depressed! she hides it so well! i never would have guessed!" (or maybe you haven't, in which case, i apologize for being such a downer.)
but you guys here's the THING.
my depression isn't just "post-partum depression". and it isn't just clinical depression. i'm the "b" word. (not THAT b word!).
i'm bipolar, ya'll. *gasp!*
i've been bipolar my whole life (duh that's how these things work) but i was only diagnosed 6-ish years ago (which you can read about {here}) and have been treating (or trying to treat) it ever since.
so what IS bipolar? i know, i know you think you know, buttttt you're probably wrong. SO i'll enlighten you. or, rather, i'll let wikipedia enlighten you:
"Bipolar disorder, also known as bipolar affective disorder and manic-depressive illness, is a mental disorder characterized by periods of elevated mood and periods of depression. The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania depending on the severity or whether there is psychosis. During mania an individual feels or acts abnormally happy, energetic, or irritable. They often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced. During periods of depression there may be crying, poor eye contact with others, and a negative outlook on life. The risk of suicide among those with the disorder is high at greater than 6% over 20 years."
i experience these symptoms almost on a daily basis right now since i'm not back to my balanced state yet since having the baby. but when my medication is right, and i'm not under enormous amounts of stress, my moods still fluctuate but i only have milder versions of these feelings and i'm much more functional.
so, if you've been skeptical about the nature of my depression (which, actually why would you be? no one is feeling that way, caity.) you'd probably be right because like every other day (or rather every other hour) i feel differently. so some days i'm cheery, giggly and productive, and others i'm debilitatingly sad. because i am not your average bipolar, no no! i am a SPECIAL one! i am a rapid-cycling bipolar. what is THAT?! well wikipedia will tell you. most "episodes" (periods of mania/hypomania or depression, or a mix, called a "mixed episode") last for a week, minimum to a year or so. BUT if you're special like me and you rapid cycle, you go through these much, much faster.
wikipedia again:
"Most people who meet criteria for bipolar disorder experience a number of episodes, on average 0.4 to 0.7 per year, lasting three to six months. Rapid cycling, however, is a course specifier that may be applied to any of the above subtypes. It is defined as having four or more mood disturbance episodes within a one-year span and is found in a significant proportion of individuals with bipolar disorder. These episodes are separated from each other by a remission (partial or full) for at least two months or a switch in mood polarity (i.e., from a depressive episode to a manic episode or vice versa). The definition of rapid cycling most frequently cited in the literature (including the DSM) is that of Dunner and Fieve: at least four major depressive, manic, hypomanic or mixed episodes are required to have occurred during a 12-month period. Ultra-rapid (days) and ultra-ultra rapid or ultradian (within a day) cycling have also been described. The literature examining the pharmacological treatment of rapid cycling is sparse and there is no clear consensus with respect to its optimal pharmacological management."
when i'm not doing well, or under a lot of stress (good or bad!), or not properly medicated, i have ultra-rapid and/or ultradian cycling. on the really bad, ultra-ultra rapid days, i will literally be sitting there crying, feeling the most complete and utter despair, wanting to die, and the next minute be laughing like a maniac at something that isn't even funny. like a speck on the wall. it's a scary, out of control type feeling and it's not happy or sad but just scary and awful. not good.
but mostly it's a couple days down, and a couple days up. or sometimes every other day. and it's more than just having a good day and a bad day. the "good day" is an out of control, can't hold still, can't focus, must be multi-tasking, wake-up at 4:40 am to clean your whole house and organize all your closets, exercise, go on shopping sprees, decorate the rooms in your house, make a million lists, get extremely irritated and enraged at the smallest provocation, have thoughts racing so quickly that you can't grab one for more than a millisecond, and start too many projects that will never be finished. and the bad days, i can't get out of bed, can't stop crying, am convinced i don't deserve to live, and literally think of ways i should die.
sound horrible and exhausting? yes, yes it does.
when i'm doing well, properly medicated, and under less stress, this is very different. i still alternate days or even weeks. the good days, i get laundry done, do dishes, take the kids out, keep the house clean, do a project or two, write blog posts, and cook a decent dinner. i'm very productive. more productive than normal. on the bad days, i cry a bit, want to watch a sad movie, feel a little down on myself, and feel a little nostalgic for other times in my life where i was happier. NORMAL PEOPLE THINGS. it's good to be in this place. i haven't been in that place for a lonnnnng time.
in order to get pregnant, i chose to wean completely off medication to avoid any risks to my babies. so i did this with bea, was coincidentally in an "up-swing" my whole pregnancy and first 4 months post-partum, and then took a nose dive into a depressive episode that lasted 7 months. i leveled out the following january (2014), spent 4 months in a really good place surrounded by really good people, and then felt impressed that it was time to add baby #2 to the mix. time to go off the meds again. knowing the effects of this from experience made this a very scary decision, but we knew it was time so we got me started on the weaning process. and then we moved. which, yay. (not. moving is bad.) i was on the lower end of normal for several months, and a lot of my pregnancy, and then, again, we moved. (why do we keep doing this to ourselves?! jk they have all been good decisions in the long run.) that's when things got BAD. bad bad bad. we had a month of instability living with family leading up to oliver's birth and waiting for our moving truck to get here, and then he was born, i had a burst of adrenaline with some hypomanic days in the hospital, and then took the big ol' dive the day we got home. a new home i had never been to except when we viewed it a month before. and i wasn't on my meds yet because i was nursing. and i had no psychiatrist yet because no one would see me until the end of july because for SOME reason, finding psychiatrists in a timely manner IS NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE! (don't get me started. really.)
so yeah you could say conditions were greeeaaaaattttt.
things just were going to be bad. i mean, we knew it, but i guess we forgot how bad "bad" is. it's bad.
it takes a while to work up to full doses of meds, it's been 3 months and i only just got up to full throttle a week ago. so now we just need to wait it out for a bit and see if we need to do some more tweaking.
i've slowly been having more good days (today was a good one, hence the blog post and furniture project), but i have a lot of bad ones. really bad ones. not good when you're trying to care for a newborn and wildly smart and active toddler. but i'm trying. and i have a lot of help. i am so blessed to live so close to family now (not entirely a coincidence. the big old b word is one of the reasons we looked for work out here. more on that another day.)
it's hard to remember on the bad days, but things will get better. it takes a while and it's a wildly painful process, but they always do. and i knew it going into it that this is what it would take to bring oliver into the world, but he is totally worth it. he is the most perfect little boy, i'm tearing up just thinking about the miracle he is. so while i've had to go to hell and (hopefully!) back, i'm trying to keep my chin up about it, because if i had chosen the easy route and just stayed stable i wouldn't have my perfect boy and that would just not do. we needed him in our lives and i'm eternally grateful i could bring him here. i'll be stable again, i mean, that's the nature of the disease. (hooray for finding the silver linings!)
so anyway. there you have it. and if that explains any of my sometimes strange behavior to you, then yippee! and if it's just something i had to share because WHY IS IT SO TABOO IN THE FIRST PLACE?! (don't even get me started on mental illness stigma in life and esp in the workplace. donnnn't even.) then yippee for that too. i've been debating on whether or not i should share this for a while (years.) and each time i get a little closer i shrink back a bit. but the warm reception i got from my ppd post may have just been the boost i needed to get this out there. i'm bipolar and it's gonna be a-ok.
